“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”
~Henry “The Fonz” Winkler
I have certainly made my fair share of assumptions. They were those ticking time bombs that for some reason or another, seemed to have needed my self-awarded expertise of coming up with the worse case scenario for everything.
I must say, I made an art form out of somehow always sabotaging an experience, by simply not giving it the time of day to even occur.
Everyone had a hidden agenda and was out to get me (OK, maybe that was a bit dramatic).
I knew I had this problem, and I also knew I had been given reasons and lessons to assume the worst. But then, I noticed that I was missing out on opportunities that only come by not making assumptions about the things or the people involved.
It was just one of the many practices of mine that came as natural as me blinking my eyes, that I had to figure out how to release myself from their tiger claw grip it had over my life.
So, this got me to thinking…
What are Assumptions and Why Do We Sometimes Feel the Need to Make Them?
What the Dictionary say they are…
- A thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.
- The action of taking power or responsibility.
The key words that caught my eye were… “accepted as true,” “without proof,” “taking power,” and “responsibility.”
What they are not according to my dictionary...
- Useful.
- Final.
- Loans personal growth to anyone involved
- Useful information
- Purposeful or Meaningful
- An endorsement of any sort
“Who then benefits from an assumption being made?
If anyone benefits, it’s the individual who formulated it.
But are they really benefiting? No, they are not.
In fact, their assumption has led them to believe that their assuming is somehow rewarding them or the affected party(s).
One should always confirm any information that’s been given by checking its validity. If it is not checked and verified, any information recovered and disclosed is an assumption.
The mind does only what it was designed to do, which is to help you to be sure that you’re 100% certain in everything and every situation you observe.
Presuming that the mind is right 100% of the time, causes individuals to prematurely conclude that their mind is offering them accurate information, and always has their best intentions in mind.
Need I say, this isn’t always the case.
It’s important before making an assumption to cover what I like to call:
The 3 C’s to Eradicate Assumption Making
- Certainty – Be sure.
- Clarity – Be sure that you’re sure.
- Communication – Vocally confirm everything effectively
Taking the three into consideration leaves absolutely no room for us to assume anything.
Assume Nothing, Blame No One
Whenever assumptions are being crafted, blame will eventually get an invitation to the party too.
Blaming… is a complete waste of time and energy. It never resolves the actual problem. In fact, it avoids the root of it altogether. There is never any more proof present than before blame showed up.
Yet, somehow it always manages to make an entrance, doesn’t it.
More often than not, the resolve resides in taking the power out of needing to control the experience, and blame pointing is just another means human nature uses to control the experience.
One thing a person can definitely expect from assuming is to be so far off the path of discovering the truth, that even if it showed up waving bright pink pompoms, they most likely will discount it as being apocryphal or unauthentic.
5 Basic Questions Asked: Denied Access to any Assumptions
So how does a person stop assumptions in their tracks?
By asking themselves these 5 basic questions:
- Does the person or situation concern me directly?
- Is my survival being threatened if my thoughts and opinions aren’t inserted?
- Can I provide proof and will the proof I provide leave me feeling positive afterwards?
- What does forming this assumption say about me and my character as a person?
- How would I feel if someone assumed the same concerns about me?
Answer these five questions, and I believe you’ll begin opening the kinds of doors to those experiences, where assumptions being made – by you or even about you – are no longer entertained, needed, or welcomed.
“Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.”
~Miguel Angel Ruiz
Access is granted for you to share your thoughts and insights…
What, if any, have been your experiences with assumptions?
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Thank you so much for your support. Cheers and blessings.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Wonderful Deone!
Don’t we all make assumptions that are more than half the time just more about what we think! Yes, I admit to doing that myself sometime, though I am careful to keep those assumptions to myself till I clarify my doubts about the person by talking things out.
Yes indeed, your three C’s fit in perfectly here for us to eradicate making assumptions and know things for real. Many a relationships have been known to break if they are based on assumptions – because they lead to playing the blame game most often.
I remember I had a friend in college who used to assume things and feel that what she was assuming was right. It resulted in breaking our friendship because she assumed certain things about me that weren’t really true. It was years later that we sat and clarified it all out, though we should have done so earlier. And I never knew all along as to why she behaved the way she did and turned away till much later.
The same happens within a marriage with our spouse, or kids. We assume we know things or the reason as to why they are not talking or sad, whereas without clarifying or talking things out, we are just building castles in thin air! My husband and me used to have misunderstandings based on assumptions made, till we learnt to always clear things right when the doubt factor sets in or the moment you feel something isn’t right – and that’s what we do instead of assuming things.
Thanks for sharing and making us all realize that you really gain nothing by simply assuming things that might not ever be there.
Harleena Singh recently posted this awesomeness..A Bad Temper Can Leave Scars
Hi Harleena,
Yep, we’re all guilty in one way or another. Sometimes those “innocent” assumptions can lead to much bigger problems, and before we know it, the mole hill “theory” we’ve reached, turns into a mountain that’s impossible to ignore.
Much of my awareness about assumption making has come from disagreements that my companion and I have had over the years. We both come from very different backgrounds, and each have had to expand our perspectives to allow the other room to grow, or effectively state one’s claim.
As I see it, having an idea of how we think a situation or person should be, can set us up for the perfect storm of assumptions to be made. Being open-minded can certainly help all parties involved.
Also, being honest with ourselves enough to admit that we don’t know everything, about everyone, everywhere.
People are different. Not only are we different, but we react differently to different situations. If we insist or demand on other people thinking, behaving, or reacting as we might in similar situations, we have bigger fish to fry than denying access to our assumption making, huh.
Loved your thoughts on this, my friend. I also appreciate you sharing your experience to give the post more depth and validating. Thank you do much for your support and insights. Blessings.
Deone recently posted this awesomeness..We are Redefined by Our Rock Bottom Experiences
Hi Deone!
Very inspiring post. As much as we try not to assume, sometimes it is really impossible especially if you are so excited of the outcome of what you just did. In my part, I try train myself to lessen my assumptions in all things I do so that I do not get frustrated when my expectations are not met.
Sarah Park recently posted this awesomeness..5 Ways to Earn a Second Income
Hi Sarah,
It’s wonderful to read you here again, my friend.
I’m pleased to know you were inspired by the post.
I hear you loud and clear on your points here too. It is challenging as human beings to avoid making some assumptions. It does take one becoming aware, and applying that awareness to every area of our lives.
I’m still growing and learning so much about retraining myself from what I was previously taught in the past. It hasn’t been easy, let me tell you. However, with continual observation and checking myself on a regular basis, ensuring as much as humanely possible, that I am allowing each moment and every experience the room to “grow me forward.”
Practice makes perfect, right. And trust me, there’s a lot of practicing going on over here.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Cheers and Blessings.
Deone recently posted this awesomeness..There is Great Power in Hope Being Given Away
Deone-
Great post. I think assumptions are tricky because we often don’t realize we are operating under an assumption until we bump into resistance or evidence to support or deny the assumption. I’ve noticed the same thing is true with expectations- I don’t often realize I’ve had an expectation about something until things don’t turn out the way I expected. I’m trying to recognize and label expectations and assumptions when I notice them- for me that is always the first step to changing a behavior.
Glad to be on the path with you ditching our assumptions and expectations,
Lorena
Hi Lorena,
Welcome, my friend.
I’m thrilled you enjoyed it.
You and Sarah, offered great points about assumptions coming in under the radar. Assumptions are tricky little devils. They sneak in and hid among our normal everyday thoughts, as though they were produced alone and “in the right” of showing up in our lives. And you’re absolutely right about expectations… I consider expectations to be assumptions sibling. The two often show up together causing headaches, disagreements, and much stress and strain on our relationships.
That’s truly all we can really do about either of these mischievous life impressions. Take notice of them when they sneak in, and then kindly show them the closest exit out of our lives.
I’m equally glad that our paths have crossed. I appreciate your joining my Triberr tribe as well.
Together with each of you, we are going to inspire a world of change in the lives of so many people. I just know it! 
Thanks for the insight on the post, my friend. Blessings.
Deone recently posted this awesomeness..Releasing the Pain Out of Using the Word Goodbye
Deone, great topic! From your Ruiz quote at the end, I’m “assuming” (haha) that you’ve read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz? It’s one of my all-time favorite books. Let’s face it, it’s natural for us to make assumptions. Our brains are wired to make immediate judgments of situations, lest we become overwhelm with EVERYTHING being new and experienced for the first time, every time. However, as you pointed out, there are ways we can stop and question our automatic assumption before acting on it and creating suffering for ourselves and others. Anyway, once, again, you’ve introduced a great topic for us to ponder. Keep it up, Brother!
Alice Chan recently posted this awesomeness..Life Lessons From A Hard Drive Failure
Hi Alice,
Thanks for the compliment!
Regrettably, I haven’t gotten around to reading, “The Four Agreements,” just yet. However, I’ve heard nothing but great things about it, and it’s certainly in my plans to add it to the collection in the very near future. I cannot wait either… I’ve read so many of the quotes from Don Miguel Ruiz, that I practically feel as though I’ve already read the book.
As soon as I get through with it though, I’ll be sure to let you know. I’d love to get your insights on the content.
Loved what you said here, “…there are ways we can stop and question our automatic assumption before acting on it and creating suffering for ourselves and others.” That’s the message in it’s entirety.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on it!
Blessings to you, sister!
Deone recently posted this awesomeness..What Are You Willing to Learn and Unlearn?
I’m really confused. I mean Do I assume things or practice lucid dreaming? I mean there is a world of difference between the two but let me give you a small example. When an event is about to unfold itself, I just observe and try to imaging what would happen next but I try to imagine it in a positive way.
What would you call this, Deone? I’m totally clueless. Or would you say why do you even have to imagine things even before it happens?
The way you tell us to eradicate assumption is superb. Thanks for sharing this
Have a great day!
Aditya
Hi Aditya,
Great to read you, mate.
Honestly, I’m not exactly sure what that would be called. I’d simply say that you are more in tuned to living your life in the present moment. Eckhart Tolle calls it, “The Power of NOW.”
But, like I said, I’m not totally sure, so don’t quote me on that.
Anywho, I’m glad you enjoyed the post mate. As always, it’s always a delight to have you over at RMT. Thanks for sharing your question and thoughts on the post.
Blessings.
Deone recently posted this awesomeness..John Legend “Show Me” Song
Yes! This is such a bad habit of mine. It ties right in with taking things personally. I’m just realizing that we could take this the other way and make positive assumptions (e.g., “Maybe he’s cranky because he had a bad day and needs a smile”) or go through a string of potential assumptions CBT-style to help us realize that we don’t know what the truth is and therefore shouldn’t make assumptions. =P
Considering my scientific, questioning background, I would think that I’d be better at making less assumptions or none at all because I’m able to verify the truth. But life leads to automatic reactions that I’m not proud of. I definitely needed this reminder and those 3 C’s are a good way to keep this mind! =)
Thanks for such a thorough post! =)
Samantha Bangayan recently posted this awesomeness..Unrecognized Passion
Hey Samantha,
I love your approach and honesty on things, my friend. It’s always been so refreshing to get your take on what you’ve read here. It has helped me more than you may ever know. Your comment here is no different.
I think your questioning background works more in your favor than you may sometimes expect it too. I wish I was able to analyze things a lot more. I feel it would help me reach better conclusions concerning my own weak points of assumption making. Luckily, I’ve been able to take pause a lot more than usual, to pose a series of questions to myself before reaching any far-fetched conclusions. I too, have those times where I reach automatic reactions, but being mindful of this behavior has helped me in being a bit more relaxed as far as that’s concerned.
We can only improve right?
We are still improving together.
The 3 C’s to Eradicate Assumption Making
Certainty – Be sure.
Clarity – Be sure that you’re sure.
Communication – Vocally confirm everything effectively
Like the “be sure that you’re sure”- to many hurt feelings, conflict and lost of self-esteem have come from opening your mouth or another opening their’s when the facts have not be verified. Leads to a lot of missed opportunities as well.
I appreciate your reading this post, Gloria. I’m delighted that you enjoyed it too.
There is a line in an old movie that describes what assumptions are to a T — I will have to share it with you in a different space.
But yes, it is never ever good to make assumptions–to me, the number 1 thing that it leads to is embarrassment–whether the assumption is wrong or right, because no matter what it always leads to other emotions (and sometimes even actions) that are unhealthy for any type of relationship on any level.
I enjoyed this one, Deone! A great reminder!
MELISASource recently posted this awesomeness..Malala Day: A Voice For Education Can Never Be Silenced #IAmMalala
I’m glad you enjoyed this article, Makeba.
And you’re so right, assumptions is a great way to put our foot in our mouths, that’s the truth!
You will have to drop me that line a little later. You’ve struck my curiosity, my friend.
Deone recently posted this awesomeness..Enlightening Self-Awareness Quotes from Michael A. Singer – “The Untethered Soul”
But of course! Thank you for sharing this wonderful article. You enlighten so many readers around the world right now!
Thank you, Kelly.
Deone recently posted this awesomeness..Enlightening Self-Awareness Quotes from Michael A. Singer – “The Untethered Soul”
Over the years I have realised how assumptions can ruin the greatest of relationships. We should always weigh down the facts and speak up whatever our doubts are; that’s the key to successful relationships. Great share.
Thank you kindly, Fatima.
Deone recently posted this awesomeness..Will Love Always Show Itself?
When we drive to conclusions without verifying what really happened, it’s like picking up a rock to bludgeon your own head. It’s nuts! I agree with your points. Thumbs up!
Great point there, Stacey! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.
Deone recently posted this awesomeness..Enlightening Self-Awareness Quotes from Michael A. Singer – “The Untethered Soul”
great post Deone
i believe knowledge is the soloution , we tend to assume things when we don’t know enough, happy that i read your post today
farouk recently posted this awesomeness..I feel nostalgic all the time
Thanks, farouk.
I’m glad to hear that, mate.
Wow!! great share, Deone. I have always been a victim of assumptions. I always keep myself away from blame game though. It was lovely reading this post. Your posts are a great source of inspiration. Keep sharing..
Thanks, Abhishek! I’m glad you enjoyed it, mate.
I appreciate your stopping by. Cheers!
Hi Deone,
Your article on assumption really hit home for me! Thank you for sharing it.
I believe when I make assumptions, it shows a lack of trust in that I think the worst case instead of the best.
Recently it has been revealed to me by someone I love. He asked, “Why do you think the worst?” That statement has caused reflection but no answer. Tonight I’ve received this great enlightenment by your discovery. I couldn’t wait to thank you for sharing such a profound truth that has freed me.
Thank you so much for sharing!
Rita
I’m delighted to read that, Rita! I’m glad it resonated with you, right when you needed for it to do so. Awesomeness!