Do you remember the 1989 movie War of the Roses with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner? Now, imagine those two characters in one person. One of the Roses’s is you, and the other is your self-doubt of you.
Self-doubt is the ongoing fight we are having against ourselves. It’s our mind figuring out that we’re divorcing the lies we’ve been told and have been telling ourselves about our own capabilities. The mind realizes that the relationship between our true self and those false beliefs we have carried about ourselves, is now over; and once this occurs, panic begins to set in.
Self-Doubt is the killer of anyone’s creativity and imagination. It does not discriminate. The best way to free ourselves of self-doubt is to improve the relationship we have with ourselves, first.
It’s sort of like divorcing the old way of thinking, but being cordial to the relationship. You know there’s no more ties to that way of thinking, but you also know that two of you are sort of connected, so to speak.
So, what causes self-doubt in the first place? How does one get past this inward war of the roses?
Today, I wanted to share a bit of my story with you to prove that it is reversible, but first let’s discuss the causes.
What is this war about?
The fear of failure – and what other people will think of those failures – based on past experiences and responses, have sculpted our self-doubts and may have us thinking that what we want to do is impossible for us to pull off on our own.
It’s a form of insecurity that we form when we look outside of ourselves for acceptance and validation.
My good friend Solvita Bennett over at Positive Calm wrote recently, “…we have power over our habits of thinking and so we also have power over insecurities.”
It’s that power that’s in need of being tapped into to end the battle once and for all.
Being Young and Different
Growing up I’ve always known I was a bit different from my brothers, male cousins, uncles, and other male figures in my environment. I just wasn’t aware of the fact that anything was wrong with me being different.
One of my favorite pastimes I can recall was playing with my cousin who is a year younger than I am. She always seemed to have the best toys when we were coming up, and with her being my only playmate at the time, I had to make do with whatever toys she had to offer me. My favorite would be her dolls and paper doll collection.
Being that I already stood out with my non-boyish mannerism and had no idea what being gay was at the time, I would learn early on, that in order for me to avoid being called a sissy or a punk; I needed to hide anything that came natural for me to do, just to avoid being seen in a negative light.
This performance would become a part of me, because I would learn that whatever a sissy or punk was, in most people’s sight it was pretty bad. So, I figured I’d watch other little boys to see what they were doing that was so right that I wasn’t doing, and attempted to imitate whatever I could manage to apply to my life.
I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it too.
Apparently, I was sadly mistaken. All I was doing was laying the building blocks of the self-doubt that would mature as I matured.
Each time we were told not to “do” or “be something” that came natural for us to do; another block was being laid to ensure our self-doubt was nice and strong.
And you know what? It worked! It actually worked perfectly, if you ask me.
By the time I graduated from high school, I was so completely confused about who I was and what I truly felt; that I found myself seeking my identity, acceptance, and validation from other people. Everything I wanted, desired, or needed, had to be validated by someone other than myself.
I started becoming better with my self-doubt when Rob White of Mind Adventure and ROAR bought a truth to my attention.
Ending the War
The war of self-doubt never truly ends, and everyone has a different story on how theirs was started. To be better able to understand how to control the feelings of self-doubt, a person has to know when self-doubt is speaking. This happens whenever individuals get better at being themselves. When we know who we are and who we are not, we can tell our self-doubt to have a seat in the far corner of our minds and hush up. After all, it is “self” doubt, which lets me know that my “self” has the last say in the matter.
Below are a few other steps that an individual can take to end the war of their own roses.
- Better communication (mentally and verbally) with one’s self talk.
- Become mindful of the thoughts you’re playing back to yourself.
- Forgive yourself quickly and move on.
- Learn to celebrate yourself. (If you haven’t gotten your copy of my new eBook… it will go deeper into this topic)
- Accept yourself as a friend, and not as your worst enemy.
- Face and conquer whatever you doubt.
- Learn to listen to your intuition.
- Accept and validate yourself, and STOP seeking it from others.
Ending the war of self-doubt is a personal journey we all must take. We start ending the battle by accepting who we’ve been created to be; and we eliminate letting others tell us who that is to them. Find your own voice, listen to your own truths, and build a better relationship with yourself.
Did you find this article helpful? How do you cope with self-doubt?
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Okay Deeone–stop the pressess: This. Is. POWERFUL!!!
Do you know the HUGE amount of people that are experiencing what you went through in one form or another?! The tons of people who have experienced this battle in their past and are struggling with the aftermath of it even now? I tell you: it is A LOT! I even went through the same thing too in my own way. And now self-doubt begins even at much younger ages too, as so many changes have occurred in society and the media–what’s viewed as good vs. bad, normal vs. abnormal, etc. I could go on and on!
I tell you there are so many forms of self-doubt, and yes I agree that the root of most of them start in childhood. Very seldom do you know about children who who were loved and embraced for their uniqueness and individuality–it is always that “push” there from the rest of the world to be like everyone else. It’s so sad and not the way that things should be at all.
Your ways to end self-doubt are spot-on: until we learn to fully love and accept our own selves for who we are, the doubt will always be there. It truly is a war to get it out of ourselves, but when we do, it is a very powerful thing!!
I’m going to print this one out to be shared — it will help so many people!!
Thank you for this awesomeness!
MELISASource recently posted this awesomeness..From Facebook to the Real Face: Reigniting the Personal Connection
Hey Makeba,
I must admit you had me cracking up when I read what you had to say. Not – “Stop the presses!” hahaha
I’m glad you enjoyed this, my dear. 
You bring up a phenomenal point, my friend. One that I have been thinking a lot about of late. Is my message getting out to the right audience?
There will certainly be people, who like I was, don’t think they need to read stuff like this, because there is nothing wrong with their life. Yet, those same individuals will question whether or not their life is cursed, because they can’t seem to catch a break in life.
I believe more than anything (more so now than ever before) that we have to face those things that have occurred in our past, because many of those exact things are infecting our future.
If we don’t know what is causing us to get certain results in life, we can never change them, and get more of the results we want. It’s a cycle that has to be broken. Cycles never end on their own, we see that throughout society right now. We have to face them, acknowledge their presence, make peace with them, and move on.
I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed this read. I appreciate your presence in my life and for your encouragement and support. Rock on, Chica!
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Living on Purpose
Thanks for this very much interesting post. I love it.
Carol recently posted this awesomeness..flat rate movers
Thank you Carol.
I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..The Life Teacher Named Pain
I do love to share it on my pinterest, I am pretty sure that my friends do also love reading this post…
Good day Jennifer,
Feel free to share it. I’m hope your friends will enjoy it as well.
Thanks for stopping in and sharing your thoughts on it with me. Cheers!
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Shift of Focus and Use What You Have
Hi Deeone,
Self-doubts can cripple and shackle us. In the process, it prevents us from attaining the success we richly deserve.
There are so many conflicting opinions and views that do not agree in this world that we can go mad from trying to follow all of them. Then there is the strong urge to conform to avoid standing out and drawing unwanted attention to ourselves. There is the urge to defer to others who seems to be smarter or more experienced than us. It is no wonder that self-doubts is such a major issue for all of us.
I think you have listed great steps to deal with self-doubt. I particularly like point 8 where we should accept and validate ourselves instead of seeking it from others. The applause of Man is as fickle as the wind. It is better to have something more reliable to lean on.
Lastly, I would just like to add that not all doubts are bad. Sometimes having doubts is a good thing as it makes us more cautious instead of reckless. But like fear, it is how we deal with it that matters. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to act despite feeling fear. It is ok to have doubts, but we should look for ways to overcome them especially if they hinder us. After all, whatever we think or believe becomes our reality. So it is best to ensure that doubts is not part of it.
Thank you for sharing this lovely article!
Irving the Vizier
The Vizier recently posted this awesomeness..Make Better Choices by Weighing the Merits of Viewpoints
Hi Irving,
I loved the thoughts you made on this. Great descriptive word choices for self-doubt! It is very crippling and causes many to procrastinate, even when they want nothing more than to make that thing happen. Self-doubt tends to stop us right in our tracks, doesn’t it?
You’re right, we’re all affected by some form of self-doubt, and I believe that if we discuss it more, we learn better how to relieve ourselves from it. We also learn new methods from each other how to better control it from blocking us in the future.
I also enjoyed reading your thoughts on how not all of our doubts are bad. I can certainly attest to that fact, there have been instances in my life, where my doubt kept me from making a mistake, or better yet, a decision I would’ve regretted later. Great points made here, Irving!
Thanks for your contribution, man!
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Thank your Doubters
Loved the post Deeone!
You are so right about all that you’ve written about self-doubt, and yes, the only way to free ourselves from it is to improve the realtionship we have with ourselves first.
I think the root cause of self-doubt is indeed the fear of failure and mostly about what and how others are going to react to it. Most of this starts taking place when we are young and takes its realy shape by the time we grow up.
I can understand how it must have felt when you were young and how you had to hide things that came naturally to you so that you taken in the wrong or negatvie sense. The seed of self-doubt I feel started taking root that time I think.
Those sure are some wonderful steps to end the self war we have against self-dount. I guess it all depends on us and how we wish things to happen in our lives. Once we realize the cause and manage to deal with it, everthing falls in place – isn’t it?
Thanks for sharing and this sure is a wonderful reminder about not getting into the complexities of self-doubt, and if you do, take steps to come out of it.
Harleena Singh recently posted this awesomeness..Why Mothers are Special People?
Hi there Harleena,
I’m delighted to hear you enjoyed this write up. By improving the relationship with ourselves, we get better at recognizing what’s real and what’s not. If we don’t know who we are, then we can’t know what we’d do or say in any given situation. This opens the door for other people’s beliefs, ideas, and opinions becoming our own.
It wasn’t until I started learning and reading up on personal growth and development that I became aware of all these hidden mindsets and beliefs that I had come to develop being told that what came natural for me was wrong. I’m not blaming those that taught me these lessons, because they were only doing what they knew to do at that time.
The moment we become adults we become responsible for our own choices, beliefs, and way of thinking. If we hold on to the lessons, and do not change the ones that are causing us to doubt ourselves; self-doubt, like our choices, beliefs, and way of thinking, become very much a part of us too.
As soon as we notice them, it’s up to us to stop them.
Thank you for your thoughts on this.
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Celebrating the Victory of Finishing a Book – Release Vol.1
self doubts can prevent us from building self confidence if we didn’t learn how to stop them, thanks for pointing out that important topic Deonne
You’re always welcome, Farouk. Thank you for bring your comments absence to my attention. I appreciate your contributions to the post here.
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Unfinished Business
Your posts are always so powerful. And you are so right. We must conquer ourselves. Celebrate ourselves. Love ourselves. When we allow ourselves to shine and live with purpose and passion, we light the dark for others.
You are beautiful, my friend. I celebrate you and all that you are.
Shelley Lundquist recently posted this awesomeness..I Believe I Can Fly
Good day Shelley,
Thank you for that, my friend. I am thrilled to see that what I try to convey in my message here at RMT is being seen in that very light. “Conquer ourselves. Celebrate ourselves. Love ourselves.” Absolutely! When done right, we also learn how to do each of those for others too.
Much appreciated, my dear…. and I celebrate you also!
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Adversity Faced With the Spirit of a Scorpion
Awesome post, Deeone!
Self doubt is the worst enemy of our lives. It stops us, discourages us to take action, to try something new or to even keep trying. In blogging, I have had several experiences with self doubt (I think everyone has). During the first few months of blogging, my mind tested me with all sorts of thoughts on why I wasn’t getting traffic or the visitors I was expecting to get. But, I was able to overcome all those doubts. By analyzing and learning (Blogging, as a whole, taught me that it takes time and a whole lot of effort to achieve what we really want to achieve, in the way we want to).
As far as life goes, self doubt also questioned my abilities to do well in school, but now I realize that life is not just about getting good grades, good education or even a job with good salary. Life is something more than that. Life is about achieving what we really want. Life is about enjoying the process of striving (And achieving) it – the dream.
I think the best way to cope with self doubt is to stop comparing ourselves to others: Who cares if we are different? We are different, just be different. We are humans, not machines made to live according to this society’s expectations (true, we should probably try to achieve or exceed the expectations of certain people like our parents).
Anyways, Deeone, thank you for the wonderful post!
Jeevan
Jeevanjacobjohn recently posted this awesomeness..The Concept of Simplicity: Simplicity vs. Complexity?
Good day Jeevan and Welcome to RMT!
It’s a pleasure to have you here, my friend. I’m glad you were able to relate to the post. And I want to encourage you to just keep going in your blogging endeavors. Time has a way of showing us that what we want is very much attainable with hard work and dedications.
Like you, I wasn’t the best pupil in school either. There were moments I almost walked away, and others where I knew the powers that be, were going to throw me out. In which case, I am incredibly grateful that I didn’t listen to my doubts and continued to keep trying no matter what it looked like at the time. It sounds to me like you can join me in that celebration, eh?
You nailed it bud! The best way to cope with self-doubt is through acceptance… acceptance that we are who we are. We were meant to be different and we’re learning daily the importance of celebrating those differences.
Thanks for the great contribution… I look forward to reading you again soon. Cheers!
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Don’t Give Up Now!
Hi Deeone,
You are so right that the most effective way to free ourselves of self-doubt and that endless mental noise is to improve the relationship we have with ourselves as a first step.
Once you really, truly learn to do that you can move on and it becomes easier.
I was overweight and introverted as a kid, teenager and young adult. And I always sought out approval from others. It took me a while to realize what a heartbreaking uphill climb that was.
You know what I say? Take that self doubt and give it a hard drop kick
It is indeed “the killer of anyone’s creativity and imagination” as you said.
Craig McBreen recently posted this awesomeness..Do you feel like you’ve arrived? (If not, what is holding you back?)
Hi Craig,
Absolutely, my friend. It becomes A LOT more easier, indeed.
It took me awhile to figure it too. To be honest with you, it didn’t start to get to me until a year and a half ago, that I was seeking validation from people who couldn’t give it to me the way I wanted or needed for them too. I would also miss the signals that came through certain relationships that I believe came to teach me to validate and accept myself. This journey of blogging and self-discovery has driven that point home in more ways than one though. I can honestly say, I got the memo now!
Yep, I’m with you… Self-doubt has been voted off the island!
Thanks for sharing a bit of your story to drive the point home, bro! I really appreciate it.
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..How Can I Live My Life?
Powerful stuff, Deeone, and words of wisdom on accepting ourselves and celebrating ourselves is a pretty solid bet
Keep doin’ you, man
Hey Jason,
Great to read you, bud!
I’m glad you enjoyed the message. Thanks for the encouragement! 
Rock on, bro!
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Grateful for the Sounds of Silence
I really find this article very helpful and gives a lot of realization to every person.. Anyway, thank you for the great post!
Hi Jenny and Welcome!
I’m delighted to read that you found this piece helpful. Then, my goal was obtained!
Thank you for the confirmation, my friend. Cheers!
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Living on Purpose
What a powerful post Deeone!! I like to tell people that one of the only things they should doubt are their limitations.
I love the suggestions you give to end that self doubt war. They are extremely beneficial and I have experienced their power. Building a deep and intimate relationship with myself has helped me overcome doubts that I have had. Being open and honest, as well as upbuilding in how I speak to myself is extremely powerful whenever doubt happens to creep back.
BTW, love your new and improved site…it looks wonderful!
Joanne Cipressi recently posted this awesomeness..Benefits of Mental Clarity #InspireChat
Hi Joanne,
Thank you. I’m delighted you enjoyed the message.
That’s good advice you’re sharing. Our self-imposed limitations will have us believing all kinds of malarkey; if we don’t stop those thoughts in their tracks. The earliest we catch them – the better, eh.
Thank you for the insightful thoughts you’ve contributed here. You’re absolutely right about that “open and honest” thing, that’s where many people slip up; but a slip doesn’t necessarily have to mean, “Man dooown!”
Thanks for the compliment on the site as well. I’m glad you like it too.
A wonderful rest of the week and weekend to you, my friend. Cheers!
Deeone recently posted this awesomeness..Recalculate, Refocus, and Stay Committed to the Process
Self doubt is one thing that’s hard to overcome. One has to first accept the fact that, there’s no way we can do everything in this world and be everything that everyone wants us to be. Self acceptance is the key to true happiness.